The kitty diaries
by Emberglade the author
Summary: My cats, um, interesting, life...


THE KITTY DIARIES

The kitty bell prize

ALYSSA SMASH CO.

Emberglade the author

THE KITTY DIARYS

_BY: SCREEMYBUT. WRITTEN BY Emberglade the author, who was forced to listen_

CHAPTER ZERO:

SCREEMYBUTT

My sister is being crabby again. Of course, I had to listen to the chatter of annoyance all morning and afternoon. She was going on and on about how she wants to go outside and something or other about a headache. I think she said she had the headache all morning and half the afternoon. I had to wait all day when one of my masters left. It was the large, loud one who left (I call him belly beast brother).

KITTY STATUS of the day: SCREEMYBUTT: annoyed, cheerful, fine.

CHAPTER ONE:

Screemybutt

My people are desperately annoying me. I've lost my understanding of them. They insist on putting loops with tempting shiny silver objects dangling from them around my neck. I could've died! They taunted me with cloth bags that had holes in them. I tried to bite the girl human on one of those long sticks extended from her paws..

CHAPTER TWO:

SCREEMYBUT:

Today I had to wait while the big human left to go get the little human. When they were gone I practiced the reading skills my sister tells me to learn. Then she assumed that I wanted to read my masters documents and play her so called video games. She got angry for no reason when I attacked the so called mouse in the screen. Really… she gets so mad for the silliest things. I was taken up to my tower by the tiny human. Seriously, I'm not a kit! I can crawl up the wood myself. They always assume I'm an incapable kit when I am a three c (carcajous, cute, and capable) full grown cat to my sister! I mean if you ever need to describe me you just remember the three c's of kits to cats. They always say I'm four months when I say they're underestimating me too much. I attacked a fuzzy toy my master bought me today to show dominance over this household. I still miss the times my sister and I had catfights. To remind me of our old catfights, I like to caterwaul my head off and run mad like the mysterious rhinos my sister tells me about to try to get me to read stuff on her so called computer and mouse. I got to be served some of my favorite food, kitty num-num wile my masters left. My sister went in hiding in till they left, then she came out for, like three seconds. I'll try to read again tomorrow.

SWEETYBUNS: quick view.

I tried to tech my brother to read today. It's sad really; he doesn't know the joys of reading or understand human language so I have to tell him everything they say so he can tell me what he thinks about it. I also attempted to show him how to play video games but he just attacked the mouse. I am more independent then him so I learned how to how to understand humans. Today I tried to tech him what destruction means but he just said "I'll stick with marrow". I really miss the capable, cute, and carcajous kit he used to be. Sadness, I ate my share of the kitty num-num and went to sleep as soon as I could before my masters came home.

CHAPTER THREE:

SCREEMYBUTT

I had no excitement today. I tried to read again but sister said I was doing it all wrong. My larger master tossed me around today and sister said he was making me dance so I am sooooooooooo glad I'm not human. No more news.

CAPTER FOUR:

No one can take a faster turn in mood like my sister can. She had a "little" purr fiesta today. She snoozed on MY lap. I have never been more insulted in my life! Five minutes ago she was the snooty nosed micro noodle we, I mean I, always know and love to show she should not mess with our natural line of life balance, I mega attacked her while the humans watched us. I think they know that I am a full dominance cat.

CHAPTER FIVE:

SCREAMYBUTT:

All day today I slept. Almost, I awoke to a loud shove on the door. The humans crashed in on me cleanly pooping in the gravel box. We were hanging out before they came home and sister started to teach me to read. She told me to practice reading. Finally, I managed to read a newspaper article. Sweetie is sick so she can't do her log today.

CHAPTER SIX:

SCREEMY

A new cat suddenly appeared today claiming the name mojo. I think I'll call him the devil. Maybe I should start from the beginning. He started to attack me. I felt a hard, cold paw on my back more than once. He gave me no time to escape.

CHAPTER SEVEN:

SCREAMY

My soul is all float inside. We ate dry food today. I'm sick of the food we are served but I still eat it. Once I tried to refuse to eat it, but it only lasted for like, three seconds. I can guess why they call me fat. But I'm not fat, I'm a gravity favorite. They say I'm lazy, but I'm just motivationally challenged. They say I'm a mellow cat, but I'm a calm kitty instead.

CHAPTER EIGHT:

SCREAMY:

No news… no news 4 all of us, me and sweetie.

CHAPTER NINE:

SCREAMYBUTT:

Sigh… my sister is being a sourpuss mouse-brain again. You should have seen her when the big human's friend came over. He totally ignored us and just kept talking nonsense left and right. Sister says he was just talking human talk and went on and on about how I never try to learn and I'd get an f- in my oral learning. I said "what's oral learning?" She just sighed and went to read the she-owners book, 50 simple ways to pamper your cat. Did I tell you what she did when the person, Nick she called him was here? She kept crawling all over him! I attempted to read a book today only to fall asleep on it. I don't see what she sees in books my bones still ache from the nap I took. I hate to admit it, but I need to hurry up and learn or as they say, shape up or ship out. Because sister is sure to send me to her elementary school, middle school, high school, and college!

CHAPTER TEN:

I just had a strange thing happen to me today. I was shut out of the other dens in the house and scented the sweet scent of cheese, gravy, fancy medley, and morning's veggies. I fussed and begged to be fed. I rubbed my mistress house folk hands. Mister house folk walked in and started being loud all over the place. Then mistress house folk held me back from four succulent plates of fancy feast. I was glad my sister was not out and about to watch my humiliation or else she would never let me hear the end of it! She did this eight times. Then I got to feast on my glory, whatever it was.

CHAPTER ELEVEN:

God, today's been crazy! I was practicing my climbing skills to day and mistress house folk kept pulling me up! She cooed and held on tight to me. I was so embarrassed. Well, I'm not going to try that again in front of my humans! Sister and I finally play fought today

Chapter twelve:

A few days ago a fat cat came and took over the household. At least he cat fights with me. We got fed wet food and, of course' his royal cat stuff took a majority of the food. He starves us! I barely get cat food anymore! I suck up to him because he is so strong he fights with claws unsheathed and teeth bared! I can read and my master's warrior books are scary.

Chapter thirteen:

A few days ago my large master found a game called madden. He plays it constantly. I am trying to learn human speech on my own because sister and I had a fight. She was screaming at me one night because I had no interest in our human enemies except to be with them and Mojo. I told her she should be more social able and then learn their secrets. She told me to get out from under HER bed and not to come back! I snapped back, "Fine see if I care!" and stalked away. Well now I think that she is taking my advice. She is getting closer and closer to the small human. I don't see how she could throw me out for more than a month because I pay the rent.

PURITY: QUICK VEIW

Two toes and I had a fight. We were under my bed and he was talking about humans. He said that they were nice and I should be nice to them. I said that I would never be part of the enemy. Then he stormed off and said he won't come back.

Chapter fourteen:

No way! My sister apologized for once! I was listening to Echo: by Jason Walker when she came up to me and said she was sorry and I was right. I told her I was sorry too.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN:

Today was a crazy day… I had a lot of wet food this week! I think I may start to write another book. I'll call it the life of two toes, Purity, and Mojo. I want to end this diary with a fresh start for next year. I want to thank Purity for her support, and mojo for his training mind. I think we all will have a great year, and I say that at the end of this book, I will be the best, smartest, strongest two toes ever. I will let purity teach me how to read, write and play video games. I'll let mojo battle me often. I'm not letting anything get in my way. I'll be the dominator of the household! I'll battle anyone who defies me!

Comments and questions-

"An addictive and funny book."

"How does he do it?"

"My cat couldn't even open my laptop!"

"With all due respect, this is the funniest book ever!"


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